Accidentally In Love
by Sophie Temrer Rimmer-Artley
Summary: Oneshot. Rimmer, while on planet leave, gets himself into a rather awkward situation. Slash RxL


**AN: OK, so this randomly came to me after I went to see Les Mis, because there's waaay too many prostitutes in that musical! Yes, I have used some more inspiration from Feline Ranger, this time from the fic 'Somewhere Else'. It is in NO WAY related to the song 'Accidentally In Love', I just borrowed the title. Enjoy!**

Arnold Rimmer was sitting alone in the darkened room. He didn't know why he was here. He didn't know what he was doing. All he could remember was a sharp pain in his head, and that came shooting back now as he thought of it, and he winced. Someone knocked on the door.

"Um, y-yes?" he replied.

"Get yourself ready. You've got a customer."

"O-okay."

Customer?

Darkened room?

Darkened room, with a bed in one corner.

Smeg!

Rimmer jumped to his feet. Now he knew where he was. He remembered everything now...

"_Please... help me... I need money."_

_Rimmer was begging on the streets, he had lost everything in a game of Risk that had gone horribly wrong, and just needed a bit of money to get a shuttle back to Io, away from the horrible back streets of Mimas and the stench of bins overflowing. This was supposed to be a fun week of planet leave, away from Red Dwarf, and away from Dave Lister, but now it was hell._

"_You!"_

_Rimmer froze. That voice sounded like a policeman's._

"_Don't move!"_

_Like he could. Rimmer was rooted to the spot. Then something came down hard on his head, and he blacked out._

Rimmer jolted himself back to the present. So this was his new way of making money. In a brothel...

There was another sharp knock at the door, and Rimmer hid behind the cheap grainy curtain as the door creaked open. Rimmer watched through a tiny rip as someone painfully familiar walked in. He'd know that stocky figure with Rasta plaits anywhere.

Dave Lister was here. In a brothel. And Rimmer was supposed to...

'Oh smeg.' Rimmer thought to himself. What was he gonna do now?

"Er, hello?" Lister called. "Anyone there?"

Rimmer deepened his voice. "Yeah, hi. What's your name?"

"Dave." Lister said. "What's yours?"

Rimmer panicked. 'Say something, anything!' he thought frantically. "You can call me Ace."

Phew. Crisis averted.

"Um, so are you coming out here?" Lister asked.

"Sure thing, just, uh, washing my hands. Go ahead, strip and lie down, I'll be right there."

"OK." Rimmer watched as Lister undressed. He couldn't deny Lister had a rather nice body. It wasn't until Lister lowered his trousers that Rimmer realised just who he was looking at and snapped out of his reverie. He turned away, shocked at the effect watching Lister had had on him, and slowly removed his clothes, almost jumping when he noticed how hard he was. When he was naked, he turned back and peered through the rip to where Lister lay, thankfully face down, on the bed. Rimmer made his silent way over to Lister and paused, unsure of what to do, then let instinct take over. He joined Lister on the bed and clambered on top of him, starting to kiss his neck. Lister moaned, squirming in pleasure underneath him. Rimmer's hand snaked down to wrap around Lister's erection, pumping him. He paused to guide his own aching erection into position.

"This might hurt, I don't have any lubricant." Rimmer said, remembering to keep his voice deep.

"I don't mind. Give it to me rough, Ace." Lister replied in a low growl.

Rimmer bit his lip to keep the moan back. He was actually enjoying this, and it confused and scared the hell out of him. With an internal mutter of 'what the smeg', he pushed himself forward into Lister. They both gasped, and Lister gave an involuntary hiss of pain.

"Are you OK?" Rimmer asked.

"F-fine." Lister said. "Don't stop."

Rimmer bit down on his lip again as he started to thrust, making Lister moan over and over. Rimmer resumed pumping Lister in time with his movements, and he couldn't stifle the moan that was torn from his lips as Lister began to push back to meet Rimmer's thrusts. Rimmer could tell Lister was close, and so was he, but as he came, he said nothing, just moaned as he felt himself release. Lister followed soon after, and, far from quietly, screamed, but it was not the name 'Ace'.

It was "Rimmer!"

As the two lay there, panting for a while, it suddenly hit Rimmer like a ton of bricks.

He just said 'Rimmer'. HE just said 'RIMMER'!

"Really, Listy?" Rimmer said softly, his normal voice slipping back of its own accord.

"What?" Lister suddenly yelled, and Rimmer was thrown backwards off the bed and onto the floor. Lister was now standing in a corner of the room, eyes wide and accusing.

"Did you know I was coming here? Who told you? Was it Petersen? I swear I'm gonna rip that Danish plonker's head off..."

"Nobody told me. I'm here by accident." Rimmer replied, flinching at Lister's tone.

"Yeah, right, and just now you 'accidentally' screwed me!" Lister snapped bitterly. "What, did you think it'd make a nice bit of blackmail for you, Rimmer?"

"I swear Lister, I never knew you'd be here." Rimmer repeated the sentiment, looking Lister straight in the eyes. Lister sighed, and he slumped down to the floor in defeat.

"All right. I can tell you ain't lying. But how'd you end up in here?"

"I lost all my money. In a Risk game that went pear-shaped. I was begging on the streets, then I got knocked out and the next thing I remember is that I woke up here."

"And screwed me."

"Yes, all right, as you so bluntly put it, I screwed you." Rimmer shouted. "Does it really matter?"

"Of course it smegging matters!" Lister shouted back, before sighing again and dropping his face into his hands. "I was never going to tell you. I come here every month or two. It's the closest substitute to you I can get. I didn't mean to fall in love with you, Arnold Rimmer. It just happened. Don't hate me for this."

Rimmer was stunned into silence. It wasn't every day that your bunkmate said he was in love with you. He sat up properly, trying to make sense of this. After a moment or two, he got up and went over to Lister, who he could see was sobbing.

"Lister, look at me." Rimmer whispered. "I said look at me." He paused, then said the one thing he knew would make Lister look up. "Look at me, Dave."

Lister did so, his eyes showing the surprise at the sound of his first name. "What?" he sniffed.

"Don't cry." Rimmer said, and with that he pressed his lips against Lister's.

The whole world suddenly seemed to fall into place, and as Lister returned Rimmer's kiss eagerly, they silently promised each other they would never keep secrets from one another again...

**OK, I didn't intend this to be a one-shot, but it would seem it has turned out that way! Review please!**


End file.
